I am having kind of a rough time lately. I took myself off my Zoloft, (after eleven years), and I did Ok, for a little while and then I totally crashed. Good thing is I am back on them, bad thing is it takes 4-5 weeks for them to get back into the system, and I have almost 3 weeks to go.
Eleven years ago, right before I was diagnosed with depression cause by a lack of serratonin (sp?), my thoughts were repetitive and every bad thought I had, I felt the need to "confess" to Chris. I felt like I didn't love him any more, and I told him so. This was before we were married, and he stuck by me. He knew, I was not myself, and lucky for me, he was willing to stick around until I "came back." I now realize that back then the depression manifested in attacking what, at that time, was the worst thing I felt could happen to me; losing Chris. This time, I am more mature, I am able to rationalize, that this is temporary, I don't have anything wrong with me other than a chemical imbalance, and I just need to hang in there. However, this time the attack is manifesting in what is so important to me, especially now; my faith. I feel, at times, very far from God, and I KNOW it is me, and I know it is temporary, but I hate the way this feels. I know he is surrounding me with his love and patiently awaiting me to be back to my old self, but sometimes I feel so desolate. I started going back to my small group bible study, and I look forward to going to church on Sundays.I think that going to both of those is more important now than ever, because though I am weakened, I do have faith. I have faith that this will pass, I have faith God is with me and I know that part of being a good Christian is hanging in there, and believing, even when times are hard. I look into my son's eyes and I see that he is a gift from God, and things continue to happen in my life that demonstrates, so clearly, He is here and He is taking care of me. I just can't wait to feel right again. The devil may think he can pick at me, while I am down and not as strong, but he is wrong. I belong to God, and this is one fight that I will not lose.
1 comment:
Thank you sweetie. Our pastor had said something about suffering used by God to bring us closer to Him and at the time, I didn't get it, but it is starting to make sense.
As for the tiny footprints, yup those are Little Man's! It was kind of a artistic reference to the beauty in this world and also that story "Footprints" where Jesus carries us during hard times.
And yes, I am your friend no matter what you are going through, and I know that goes both ways. We have known eachother for so long now and I am so thankful. Someday you and I will be white haired little old ladies sitting side by side in matching rocking chairs! Seriously though, you are stuck with me! I love you.
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